I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Boobs speak an international language.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
