I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
