So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
