Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
