Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
