Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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