I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
