boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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