hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
