Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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