I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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