woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
