I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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