It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
