she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
