ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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