that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
