I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
