I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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