1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
