is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
