I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
