My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
