Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
