Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
