So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
