paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
