Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
