At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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