actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
