yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
