he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
