"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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