I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
