you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
