whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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