she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
