I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
