So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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