I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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