Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
