i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
