I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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