Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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