if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
