He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
