I love black thongs
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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