dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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