The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
