I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
